I promised myself I wouldn’t write about my divorce.
But I can’t not write about it, because it was one of the greatest lessons of my life.
It’s easy to place all the blame on your ex-spouse.
What I’ve come to realize about divorce is this: when you’re all alone in your new home, when your kids go to school and the house gets quiet, the only person you have to look at is you.
You’re forced to look at your flaws, even when you don’t want to, because at the end of the day, it takes two to tango.
I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs.
But I have my vices.
Divorce left gaping holes inside me, and I have used everything under the sun to try to fill them: shopping, boys, cleaning, overeating, exercising, binge-watching TV, and more.
All of those things are fine in moderation.
But what happens when you’re using them to numb yourself? To avoid looking in the mirror? To escape the hard work that has to be done to actually heal?
I’ve read the books. I’ve gone through Landmark. I’ve taken the self-reflection classes. I’ve listened to podcasts about becoming a better version of myself.
But above all else, I’ve learned that we have to tell the whole truth.
Even when it’s ugly.
Even when it hurts.
Even when it’s fucking hard.
I’ve been divorced for three years, and I’m finally discovering my own gaps, missteps, flaws, and weaknesses because I’m looking in the mirror instead of pointing fingers.
If you know me, you know I am quite possibly the biggest Taylor Swift fan on planet Earth.
The day I separated from my husband was the day I won tickets to see Tay Tay.
Maybe it was God’s way of showing me that things were going to be okay, because, truthfully, I haven’t really felt okay ever since.
This lyric feels like me:
“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror.”
—Taylor Swift, “Anti-Hero”
We have to look in the mirror to see what makes us magical.
But we also have to look in the mirror to see where we can become better.
Because if we don’t fix what’s broken inside of us, we carry that shit unfairly into the next relationship. We bleed all over the person we claim to love, and they don’t deserve that.
We are not responsible for the hurt others have inflicted on us.
But we are absolutely responsible for healing ourselves.
No one is coming to save me.
No one is coming to save you.
No one can do this work but me.
No one can do this work but you.
I’ve been so heartbroken that I’ve refused to look at the very parts of myself that need to be addressed.
We have to stop after a breakup and do a deep dive into what went wrong—and address it long before we move into a new relationship.
We sit still.
We get quiet.
We reflect.
We cry through it.
We do it scared.
But we fucking do the work.
I invite you to do the work.
“Everything you lose is a step you take.”
—Taylor Swift, “You’re on Your Own, Kid”
Remember the good.
Remember what makes you magical, whole, perfect, and complete.
But remember this, too:
When you numb the bad, you numb the good.
When you push down hate, you push down love.
When you avoid the hard, you push away the easy.
When you think you’re numbing yourself to feel better, whatever you’re using to numb will eventually run out.
And then you’re left with you.
That’s it.
Your problems will still exist.
You’ve just used the numbing agent to delay the healing.
So, if you fall off course, hop back on.
Reset.
Start again.
Healing is not linear.
Do it scared.
Do it timidly.
Do it angry.
But you have to walk through it.
Not over it.
Not under it.
Not around it.
Through it.
Always through.
Attention is my numbing agent.
Any and all attention.
Once that dopamine and serotonin high ends, the fucking withdrawal is crippling.
I have to stop chasing attention and start paying closer attention to my own psyche, my own spirit.
I have to figure out how to fill my own cup instead of constantly looking outside of myself for validation.
Reflection
- What do you use to numb?
- What are you avoiding?
- What are you running from?
- How are you responsible for ______?
Change the voices in your head.
Make them like you instead.
—P!NK
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